Traumas In Parenting

As the mother of 1+4 children, I have seen my share of accidents, incidents, and just plain strangeness. We have had broken bones (two ankles, one finger, three toes), lacerations (two foreheads, one inner lip,one finger, one foot, and one tongue wound that I still have panicked flashbacks about), and a stomach flu the Middles had when I was pregnant with Havoc that I will NEVER forget.With 5 active kids, I have weathered these incidents, and countless other sprains, strains, scratches and scrapes, and that is just the children!


All this to say, I am pretty cool under pressure. I have taken my county's Certified Emergency Response Team training, and have a good grasp of  emergency first aid response. I have handled my fair share of blood and yuckiness. I have a pretty high tolerance for gross and disgusting things, and am in charge of handling kid injuries while I am home. I thought I was invincible and ready for anything. I was wrong. So very wrong.

One of the joys of having many children is that the older ones teach the younger ones and they pickup things much earlier than they might otherwise. This can be a wonderful thing, especially when it comes to things like picking up toys and putting laundry in the dirty bin. With boys, it can be a slightly less great thing, especially when it comes to the bathroom. My Middle boys have convinced the 4 year old that he must stand to pee. I am in the "Sit until you can really aim better" camp, but alas, with older brothers,  that's where we are and I am working at making peace with it. I try to give Havoc his privacy, while still lurking close by so I can survey how much of a mop up operation will be needed. I use his bathroom time to sort my linen closet right next to the bathroom, and that is how I first saw Tick Number One on Thursday.

As I was casually glancing over to see what was happening, it caught my eye. I told Havoc I needed to take a look. Yep. A tick. Now I am not one of those "All ticks carry horrible diseases and I need to save this specimen for the doctor!" types. Ticks really just don't bother me that much. But I knew I needed to remove it. Ugh. Ok. So I told Havoc what was happening and got my smart phone. I have removed lots of ticks, but never one so delicately located. After checking my go-to medical websites, I got ready. I have heard any number of "tricks" to make tick removal easier, from coating them with liquid soap and petroleum jelly, to burning them with a match (THAT seems like a particularly stupid option. "Here. Let me try to light this insect that is burrowing into your skin on fire. I bet THAT will make it stop!" Thanks, but I'll take the tick!). I use none of these techniques, as the CDC, FDA, WebMD, and any number of other sources have confirmed that these methods not only DON'T work, they can actually cause more harm by increasing salivary activity in the tick, thereby increasing the amount of nastiness they share with you. Nope. No easy-peasy, just watch the tick loosen and fall off methods here. Just me, Havoc, the tick, and a pair of pointy tweezers.Oh, and 3 Middles who were peeking in the doorway, by turns excited by their brother's bravery and completely freaked out by a tick "ON HIS YOU KNOW WHAT!!!"

I will spare you the blow by blow account. I WILL say the process of getting a 4 year old to lay still while repeatedly attempting to remove a tick involves lots of repeating the words "I am going to try not to hurt you." "Hold Still!" "I will be done in a minute if you will please stop moving." "No it is NOT off yet. Hold still!" Especially when said tick is attached to a 4 year old's nether regions. Repeat over and over and over. Havoc was very brave, as the tick was stubborn, and still nice and flat (good for medical reasons, suckish for removal purposes.), and after WAY more up close and personal time with my 4 year old than I ever hope to have in quite that way again, it was out. Done. Yippee and let me find his baby book so I can record THIS proud moment. A little alcohol (rubbing kind, not the drinking kind. It was still 11am and I do have SOME self-control left, thank you very much!), some anti-bacterial ointment, and a big hug and we were done. Whew. Another Parenting Hurdle successfully cleared. Until I looked at my sweet boy's face. What the heck is that on his eyelid? How do you get dirt on your eyelid? Except it is not wiping away. Oh no. YOU have GOT to be kidding me. A tick. On his EYELID?!?!

This was the point where I contemplated a glass of wine. Seriously. 11am or not. There are a few things that totally skeeve me out. Fingernail and toenail trimming (my mom takes care of that for my kids and has since ManChild was little and I cut his fingertip with the nail clippers. She is the official family mani and pedicurist, and for that I am grateful.) Loose tooth removal (I have gone so far as to convince Chaos that attaching a string to his tooth and tying the other end to both a bicycle ridden by Max and a Nerf bullet shot by ManChild is a GREAT way to pull teeth, all to avoid having to assist in the removal of said loose tooth.)
And eyes. I do wear contacts, but really prefer not to have to deal with eyes and eyelids. The thought of going after a tick on Havoc's eyelid with a pair of POINTY tweezers just went completely against everything I have ever been taught and have taught my children. "Don't run with that pointy fill in the blank! You'll poke your eye out!" It is a mantra repeated by parents and teachers the world over. And here I was, getting ready to break every convention of modern  parenting and use pointy tweezers directly ON my baby's eyelid. And, because he has been so well trained, Havoc really wanted NOTHING to do with me heading straight for his eye with said pointy tweezers. It really was a great illustration of how we confuse our children. "Don't put pointy things near your eyes. Don't stay around people who are holding pointy things that might poke you in your eye. Tell Daddy or I if someone is playing with pointy sticks. Here, let me use this pointy metal object on your eyelid." And we wonder why our kids are confused.

After many, MANY attempts at getting off Tick Two, I was able to simultaneously hold Havoc's eyelid closed, hold him still, all while pulling out said tick by it's flat, teeny head. For a fairly uncoordinated and not particularly patient person, I felt quite accomplished for the day. After a thorough body check, Havoc got the Tick All Clear. And we decided to venture out to pick up some heavier duty insect repellant. And it was at my local Home Depot I had my next parenting  trauma.

In our family, we do not use cutesy names for body parts. We just don't. Breasts are breasts and penises are penises and that is just how I roll. And my children have really no qualms discussing their bodies, especially when they are younger. Thankfully, the oldest 3 have learned some modicum of discretion in polite company about what most people find acceptable to talk about and what they don't. The 6 and 4 year olds? Not so much. Because of this beautiful openness, I feel I must apologize to the patrons and staff of my local HD, all of whom now know the reason we were buying Deep Woods Off was because "I had a tick on my penis!"
"He had one on his eyelid, too! It was disgusting!" all while the 8 and 10 year olds were trying to stay as far away from us as possible, as I am shusshing Sassy and Havoc, "We don't need to talk about that right now!"

There is a reason I do not make judgements about moms and kids in public places. Because it is just as likely that I will be that mom with the kids oversharing and acting like crazy people. Don't judge me and I won't judge you. Simple Mommy love.